More likely than not, the suspicion or news that your daughter is pregnant evokes a multitude of questions, emotions, and fears for your daughter's well-being and future. It's a lot to process, and it may help to remember that this emotional chaos is a bit of common ground that you share with daughter who is also experiencing fear and uncertainty.
Despite your own emotions and questions, it is critical for you to try to remain calm, keep the lines of communication open with your daughter and begin to work with her to address her practical needs. In the end, remember two things: (1) your daughter's pregnancy is about a precious new life, worthy of celebration, and (2) the hopes and dreams you have for your daughter are still possible.
1. Managing Your Own Emotions So That You Can Support Your Daughter. You may feel disappointed, angry, frustrated and hurt, and you may not be ready to face your daughter's pregnancy. It is important to acknowledge and express these feelings, but for now, that's best done with another trusted friend. Because your daughter's pregnancy will affect you emotionally, physically and spiritually, you may also want to find a counselor and support network for yourself. Seek out other couples who have been through this before. Feelings of disappointment, responsibility, guilt, shame and anger are a normal part of grief that you may grapple with, but for now, remember that it is important to vent your frustration, anger and other negative feelings alone or in the presence of a safe adult, rather than your daughter. Withholding these emotions from your daughter does not mean that you condone her actions. Rather, your daughter is probably already very stressed, scared and ashamed. As difficult as it may be, now is not the time to put extra strain on her, or to cause more hurt. At a time when she really needs support, and you need to be able to communicate with her, accusations and reprimands will not change anything, and it may drive her away. Instead, focus on expressing your concern for, and your desire to help her navigate the information and decisions that are ahead of her.
2. Keep the Lines of Communication Open. Listening to your daughter when she expresses her thoughts and feelings will provide you with a platform to show compassion when your daughter is afraid. Most importantly, it will make her feel safe, which will help you to get the information and credibility you need in order to help guide her as she sorts through some crucial decisions. Your daughter won't be able to walk through this experience alone; use this time to bond with her and to help her develop a support group. Tell her what your pregnancy with her was like. Help her understand the feelings she's going to have, the changes taking place in her body, and the anticipation of being a mother. Help her connect with a network of friends that she feels safe to cry with, talk to and who will hold her accountable to caring for her unborn baby. Ask about the father, and about how your daughter feels about the father and his role in the pregnancy. If possible, the baby's father also needs to be included in her support group.
3. Address your daughter’s practical needs. After you meet your daughter's most basic needs of acceptance and love, move on to more practical needs; continue to keep the lines of communication open and include her in all decisions so as to not alienate her. Arm yourself and your daughter with knowledge in order to make informed decisions, but in the end, remember that the final decisions must be your daughter's. Here are a few practical needs to consider:
Despite your own emotions and questions, it is critical for you to try to remain calm, keep the lines of communication open with your daughter and begin to work with her to address her practical needs. In the end, remember two things: (1) your daughter's pregnancy is about a precious new life, worthy of celebration, and (2) the hopes and dreams you have for your daughter are still possible.
1. Managing Your Own Emotions So That You Can Support Your Daughter. You may feel disappointed, angry, frustrated and hurt, and you may not be ready to face your daughter's pregnancy. It is important to acknowledge and express these feelings, but for now, that's best done with another trusted friend. Because your daughter's pregnancy will affect you emotionally, physically and spiritually, you may also want to find a counselor and support network for yourself. Seek out other couples who have been through this before. Feelings of disappointment, responsibility, guilt, shame and anger are a normal part of grief that you may grapple with, but for now, remember that it is important to vent your frustration, anger and other negative feelings alone or in the presence of a safe adult, rather than your daughter. Withholding these emotions from your daughter does not mean that you condone her actions. Rather, your daughter is probably already very stressed, scared and ashamed. As difficult as it may be, now is not the time to put extra strain on her, or to cause more hurt. At a time when she really needs support, and you need to be able to communicate with her, accusations and reprimands will not change anything, and it may drive her away. Instead, focus on expressing your concern for, and your desire to help her navigate the information and decisions that are ahead of her.
2. Keep the Lines of Communication Open. Listening to your daughter when she expresses her thoughts and feelings will provide you with a platform to show compassion when your daughter is afraid. Most importantly, it will make her feel safe, which will help you to get the information and credibility you need in order to help guide her as she sorts through some crucial decisions. Your daughter won't be able to walk through this experience alone; use this time to bond with her and to help her develop a support group. Tell her what your pregnancy with her was like. Help her understand the feelings she's going to have, the changes taking place in her body, and the anticipation of being a mother. Help her connect with a network of friends that she feels safe to cry with, talk to and who will hold her accountable to caring for her unborn baby. Ask about the father, and about how your daughter feels about the father and his role in the pregnancy. If possible, the baby's father also needs to be included in her support group.
3. Address your daughter’s practical needs. After you meet your daughter's most basic needs of acceptance and love, move on to more practical needs; continue to keep the lines of communication open and include her in all decisions so as to not alienate her. Arm yourself and your daughter with knowledge in order to make informed decisions, but in the end, remember that the final decisions must be your daughter's. Here are a few practical needs to consider:
- If it hasn't been done already, find out for sure that she is pregnant, and establish that intercourse was not forced in any way.
- Find a doctor and a counselor to walk with you, your daughter and other family members, if needed, through the coming months.
- Your daughter must look after herself to ensure a healthy pregnancy, especially if she is a younger teen. Make sure she knows what she needs to know about proper nutrition and health care, as well as harmful behavior such as drinking alcohol, smoking, drug-use, excess caffeine, risky sexual behavior, and so on. Help her to know how nutrition and risky behavior can help, or harm, her baby.
- Tell those who need to know. Consider telling your daughter's school, and other family members. Schedule a meeting with the baby's father and his parents to talk about options for the baby's future. Strive to not blame or talk negatively about the father, which is counter-productive. Use this meeting as an opportunity to assess the relationship and his level of commitment. Is this a good relationship that should continue? Continue to talk with your daughter and hear what is in her heart about the matter.
- Prepare your daughter for reality but try not to terrify her and make her feel hopeless. In other words, be honest and don't sugar-coat things, but also communicate your support and your belief that she can be successful. Find out as much as you can about the different options. Click here to read about how adoption works. Click here to find out what open-adoption means. Ask about, and reflect on the implications of parenting the baby, in which case, a lot of things are going to change for her and everyone in her life - including you. She must understand that having a child is a lifetime commitment, and raising the child takes a lot of responsibility. Click here to find out more about the help that is available for single parents. Ask about the options that are available for your daughter's schooling, as well as other aspects of the future for both your daughter and her child. Get as much information as you can. If you decide to parent the baby as a family, come to an agreement as to the level of care that she and/or the family is going to be putting into this child. This will likely change through the years. Help her to process what is best for the baby. Time will allow her to grow with the idea of either adoption or parenting. So don’t force the decision in the first few months of the pregnancy. Work through it with her, recognize that the feelings will be up and down.
- If your daughter chooses to parent her baby, be available to help and guide your daughter after the baby arrives. Certainly, your daughter will need to learn to take care of her baby's needs, but she will have much to learn, and occasionally, an hour of rest while you take care of the baby may do wonders for helping her to carry on.